HOW TO HAVE A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP
Signs and Characteristics of an Unhealthy Relationship
· He/She is jealous of your close friends, family members and all other men/women.
· Moody, unpredictable. Moods are extreme or change quickly.
· Selfish. Cares more about his/her needs and wants than yours. (Only concerned with “I”, instead of “we”).
· After the initial first or second date, doesn’t want to take you out again, just wants to stay in and watch movies/ have sex.
· Pushes intimacy before you are ready or is sexually aggressive.
· He/she starts planning your future right away.
· He/she hates his/her mother or father and treats him/her badly.
· He/she always wants your undivided attention.
· He/she must always be in charge.
· He/she always has to win.
· He/she always asks where you went and whom you saw.
· He/she can’t take criticism and always justifies his/her actions.
· Only calls you when he/she is drunk (a booty call) or doesn’t ask you out ahead of time.
· Uses you for sex, but doesn’t take you out on dates.
· Never has money, expects you to pay for everything.
· Has a bad or violent temper (especially when he/she doesn’t get his or her way).
· Isolates you from friends and family.
· Brings you down by criticizing you or putting you down (verbal abuse).
· Blames you for his/her problems or things that aren’t your fault. Blames you for everything that goes wrong in his/her life.
· Too needy or dependent upon you.
· Too demanding or unrealistic expectations. Expects you to be his/her “Slave, Maid or Mother/Father-figure”. May even expect so much of you that you are unable to take good care of yourself.
· Is Manipulative/controlling. Tries to influence you to do things you don’t feel comfortable doing like missing work or breaking the law.
· He/she often says you don’t know what you are talking about.
· He/she makes you feel like you are not good enough.
· He/She withdraws his/her love or approval as punishment.
· Doesn’t care about your feelings or makes you feel bad for having feelings.
· Is secretive about his/her past (may be an ex-convict, pedophile, con-artist or sex-offender).
· Has had multiple failed relationships.
· Cannot keep a job.
· Flirts with other men/woman when you are with her/him.
· Cheats on you or insists upon having or hiding relationships with other men/women from you.
· Lets you know up front that he/or she is not interested in marrying you, but wants a sexual relationship anyway.
· Brings out the worst in you.
· Not trust worthy. Takes/steals from you/ uses you. Takes more than he/she gives back.
· Asks you for money, credit cards, loans or other financial assistance too early on in the relationship.
· Pushes you, holds you down or hits you (physically abusive).
· Influences you to compromise core goals, morals or values.
· Won’t talk to you about the relationship or whatever you may want to discuss, always avoids serious conversations.
· Judge-mental of your life and struggles, although has his/her own share of problems.
· Emotionally distant or goes to someone else to get emotional support. Avoids closeness instead of connecting (intimacy).
· Doesn’t follow through with promises. Breaks them all of the time.
· Always angry for something you did or didn’t do.
· You find yourself apologizing to others for them or making excuses for them.
· You give them chance after chance.
· You end up paying for their sins or forgetfulness.
· You resent them or nag them.
· He/she is addicted to sex, drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc.
· Is unable to admit they have weaknesses. They believe they are perfect instead of admitting their faults.
· Is defensive instead of open to feedback.
· Is self-righteous vs. humble.
· Only apologize, but never change their behavior.
· Avoids working on their problems instead of dealing with them
· Demands trust instead of earning it.
· Blames others instead of taking responsibility for their lives.
· Lies instead of telling the truth.
· Is stagnant instead of growing.
· Stays in parent/child roles instead of treating you like and equal.
· Gossips instead of keeping secrets.
· Is unstable over time instead of consistent.
· Flatters you instead of confronting you.
· Condemns you instead of forgiving you.
· He threatens you with harm or destroys your property.
· You feel like you are always walking on “egg shells” when he/she is around.
Signs of a Healthy Relationship
· Communication is open and spontaneous (including listening).
· Rules/boundaries are clear and explicit, yet allows flexibility.
· Individuality, freedom and personal identity is enhanced.
· Each enjoys doing things for self, as well as for the other.
· Play, humor, and having fun together is commonplace.
· Each does not attempt to “fix” or control the other.
· Acceptance of self and other (for real selves).
· Assertiveness: feelings and needs are expressed.
· Humility: able to let go of the need to “be right”.
· Self confidence and security in own worth.
· Conflict is faced directly and resolved.
· Openness to constructive feedback.
· Each is trustful of the other.
· Balance of giving and receiving.
· Negotiations are fair and democratic.
· Tolerance: forgiveness of self and other.
· Mistakes are accepted and learned from.
· Willingness to take risks and be vulnerable.
· Other meaningful relationships and interests exist.
· Each can enjoy being alone and privacy is respected.
· Personal growth, change and exploration is encouraged.
· Continuity and consistency is present in the commitment.
· Balance of oneness (closeness) and separation from each other.
· Responsibility for own behaviors and happiness (not blaming other).
In the Book Safe People, by Cloud &Townsend, the subject of healthy relationships is covered extensively. The main components of a good relationship listed there are:
· Draws us closer to God.
· Draws us closer to others.
· Helps us become the real person God created us to be (brings out the best in us).
· They are able to connect with us in a way that we know that they are present with us.
· They love and accept you just as you are, which allows growth.
· Allows us to speak the truth about our faults (honestly) to one another without fear of condemnation.
